Date updated: December 11, 2006
By Kristen Hampshire
Content provided by Revolution Health Group Your BlackBerry reminds you that the afternoon is booked with meetings, you have a dinner party to attend, and the kids need help with homework. On the evening commute, you dial clients from your cell phone. Before bed, you sneak into your home office to check your e-mail one last time. You're racing — but there's no finish line.
Stop.
Take Michael McKee's paper ballot test. "I ask people to create an imaginary paper ballot with two choices," says McKee, Ph.D., a psychologist and stress-management specialist at the Cleveland Clinic. "One is please others; the other is take care of yourself."
If days pass and you haven't cast a vote for yourself, you better change your mindset. "Don't you deserve a vote now or then?" McKee asks. Remember: You're the only one filling out that ballot. "If you don't vote for yourself, it won't happen," he says.
You schedule dates with clients, friends, your partner, civic groups, family — but what about with yourself? When do you get to press the "off" button and just relax, alone?
"You can't give what you don't have," says Laura Stack, M.B.A., author of Leave the Office Earlier (Broadway, 2004) and Find More Time (Broadway, 2006). Stack's passion is helping people find time to nurture their relationships. She says personal time is important because "it reminds you that you're not your work."
When you leave yourself off the priority list, you actually cheat those you love out of the "whole" you. Instead, you bring to relationships "a diminished version of yourself," says psychologist Debra Moore, Ph.D., of Sacramento, Calif.
Making time for yourself to reflect or revisit a favorite hobby can reduce stress and improve your relationships with others, but it won't happen by itself. "You have to ask yourself whether you get on the list of priorities or not," says Moore.
License to chill
Women, especially, are programmed to sacrifice personal time, says Stack. The pressure of balancing a career, childcare, marriage, household chores and community responsibilities leaves little room for unplanned activities.
Meanwhile, societal pressures cause us to question the value of downtime. "We see a date with ourselves as a luxury or an indulgence, and it's almost as if we have an ethic that we are not even aware of: that there is something morally wrong with taking care of ourselves," Moore points out.
We must be slackers if we aren't busy, right? We call those who regularly take personal time-outs unmotivated, flaky or even irresponsible.
But if you take just 15 minutes each day to relax, your body will thank you in many ways, says McKee. You'll lower your blood pressure, heart rate and oxygen consumption. Your brain will drift into a quiet zone, allowing you to mentally recharge.
With practice, you'll master the "art of chill."
"You develop tools so that the time alone not only recharges your battery so you have more energy, but it also teaches you a skill which enables you to be less stressed," McKee explains. "So when someone comes along and pushes your buttons during the day, you can take a slow, deep breath and say, 'I can leave my body out of this and maybe even smile a little and get over it.'"
As a result, people will enjoy being around you more. No one likes to listen to someone drone on about stress, work and too many responsibilities.
"My husband always says, 'If Mommy isn't happy, no one is happy,' " says Stack. And that's the truth.
Burnout actually inhibits your physical response to loved ones, McKee adds. "You become irritable and touchy," he says. "It's like you've literally been burned, and when someone comes up to grab you for support, you just scream out in pain, 'Don't do that!' "
"If you've taken care of yourself first, you can feel calm and access the caring part of yourself much more easily," he explains. "If you don't take care of yourself, there's nothing to give."
Time to press pause
Every day, we write off the importance of making a date to relax alone. Do the excuses "I don't have time" and "I don't know what I'd do" sound familiar?
The average person wastes two hours every workday surfing the Internet, gossiping by the water cooler or simply zoning out, Stack says. Then he or she goes home and watches 2.7 hours of television.
"There is a lot of available time, but most people don't use it well," says Stack. "It's not about time shortage; it's about time usage."
Ideally, everyone should schedule relaxation time on a regular basis. If you can, set aside a day or an entire evening just for you, and tell associates and family you're unavailable. Spend that time on a favorite hobby or just reading a good book.
Small spurts of alone time have big payoffs, too. The key is to take enough breaks so you don't run yourself ragged before your next vacation.
"It's not how much time, but how frequently and consistently you make time for yourself," Moore says.
Set aside 15 minutes each day, as McKee suggests, for a mini-date. Spend your lunch break people-watching or reading a favorite magazine in a nearby park. Unwind after a long day by taking a stroll around the neighborhood or soaking in the tub.
Resist your urge to be productive during your alone time. When you carve 15 minutes of time out of the day for yourself, don't spend it folding laundry, washing the car or engaging in busywork activities that clutter your to-do list.
Your well-being is a higher priority.
Reviewed by: CME Peer Review
Date reviewed: September 2006
